my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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