you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
