I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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