sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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