Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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