Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
