at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
