I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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