the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
