i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
