I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
