i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
