You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
