dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
