am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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