Already got asked if we're dating
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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