Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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