oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
