I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
