Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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