Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
