Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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