does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
