Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
