I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
