That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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