I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
