It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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