I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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