just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
