airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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