True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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