Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
