you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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