i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
