Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
