I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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