I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
