when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can I color on your dick again?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
