saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
