Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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