she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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