I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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