I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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