Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I party with great urgency now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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