First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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