life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
