I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
