Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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