Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
