saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
