i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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