I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
