The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize