i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
