She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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