Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
