if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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